Chapter 26: Lesbian-onics

Susan Ellen was telling me about her treatments. She explained how she puts cellophane on her clients and then massages their feet and arms.

She later went on to say that her last assistant was a lesbian and she fired her for being one. She said she couldn’t trust lesbians around her female clients because she said they would get “turned on”.

The minimum amount of gay a person has to be is by liking the song “Galileo” and I believe those straight people would be offended by Susan Ellen’s comment.

As I type this it sickens me that I kept working for her.

Needless to say, that weekend, I called Ted. Ted had to understand.

I told him Susan Ellen asked about my sexuality, which she did, and told him about her former assistant. He explained to me that Susan Ellen is a bit older than me and while she is really open-minded, she sometimes says things that aren’t as sensitive, but she means well. He also informed me her former assistant was fired because she couldn’t type.

Susan Ellen never has anything to type. Ted begged me to stay with Susan Ellen and now I believe he did so the temp agency could get her off their hands. Having no dignity, I said I’d continue.

A few weeks later, Susan Ellen was going on again about her famous clients. One of them included a famous comedian known for being a lesbian. She mentioned that she’s totally cool with gay men (“Oh my God! I love gay guys. Some of my best friends are gay men.”) However, she mentioned that she will perform her treatments on lesbians with the saran wrap, but she won’t massage them because she’s afraid she will turn them on.

I hate it when that happens. Since I am a girl, as well, that must mean every lesbian is attracted to me.

I am a huge proponent of gay rights since I attended one of the gayest schools in the history of academia. My jaw dropped when I heard this and by the time I was ready to call her a homophobe and stomp out, she had already changed the subject to how much of a bitch a celeb’s wife was and I couldn’t help but listen to her hot gossip.

As I was driving home recollecting about the day, I thought about Susan Ellen’s blatant homophobia. You cannot deny someone a massage for being homosexual. Sitting in traffic I wagered back and forth whether or not to contact a civil rights group such as GLAAD or PFLAG. Beverly Hills – based lesbians deserve massages as much as any plastic housewife who cheats on her movie-producer husband.

Still wagering whether or not to launch one of the most important civil rights campaign West Los Angeles County has ever seen, I was sitting in front of the TV watching some show on VH1 about how rich celebrities are. A segment popped up on the show about this comedian. Apparently she owns about three houses, a private jet, has her own island, a million Emmy Awards, and is probably one of the few lesbians actually adored by Republicans. And I was about to take her cause of being denied a massage by a semi-literate masseuse who legally can’t go by masseuse because she technically doesn’t have her massage license (hence, she is a pain releaser)! What was I thinking? This comedian can have anything she wants and if she were to involve herself in a scandal regarding Susan Ellen it would be the equivalent to treating a birthmark on your face as lymphatic cancer. This comedian is so rich, she can afford a time machine to travel back in time to the inventor of massage therapy and get a session with that person. Why give a fuck about Susan Ellen?

Some people are just so dumb that there is really no use in launching a campaign against them. They already lost the battle by just breathing and talking their nonsense while the smart ones laugh and write silly little blogs on the internet about them.