Chapter 30

For some reason, Susan Ellen never liked me to leave her house. I think that I was the hardest part for me. When I was unemployed my least favorite part was being cooped up in my house all day. Now that I was employed, I was cooped up in someone else’s house all day.

After the sweet potato incident, I decided that I would take care of my own lunch. I hated the fact that Susan Ellen lived in the Palisades, deep in Topanga Canyon and the fact I was in my stage "bring my own lunch with me to save money." Sure, I was saving money but at what cost?

Susan Ellen told me that I could eat lunch in the office. I asked if I could at least go the kitchen to eat. She said, “No. I don’t mind if you eat up here.”

I couldn’t even leave the room! I felt like I was starring in Anne Frank Goes to Hollywood.

Every time I ate my peanut butter sandwich, I felt Susan Ellen’s eyes on me. I would take a half an hour to eat and surf around the internet, checking Facebook, Perez Hilton, or email my mom about how ridiculous this job was.

The whole time, Susan Ellen would just stare at me. I could feel her judging me.

“Oh! That peanut butter is probably clogging her colon.”

“She’s drinking water out of a plastic water bottle? She’s so going to get cancer.”

“I can’t believe she goes on websites with words on them! She’s reading during her lunch break?”

Chapter 29: The Proposal Pt 2

Since Susan Ellen is partly deaf and doesn’t like to wear a hearing aid because she thinks it messes up her inner harmony, the volume on her phone made it seem like there was an intercom in her house.

“What the fuck, Susan Ellen? What did you do?” shouted Daisy Ellen.

“I just proofread your proposal,” answered Susan Ellen.

“You changed everything! All the words I wrote are different!”

Susan Ellen looked at me desperately. “What should I say?” she mouthed.

“Say that you gave it to your assistant and that I fixed some major grammatical mistakes.”

Susan Ellen hushed me.

“Daisy, there’s someone at the door. Can you hold on one second?”

Susan Ellen put Daisy Ellen on hold – which I’m surprised she was able to do – and looked at me.

“Daisy Ellen doesn’t know I have an assistant. If she found out that I hired someone to help me out, she’ll get really mad.”

“Why?”

“She’s just like that. She’s a bitch. But, she’s my best friend and I love her. But … ugh… I hate her. So, you have to help me. She bullies me so much and I never know what to say. Tell me what to say.”

“How- when- wait, what?”

Before I was able to comprehend what Susan Ellen told me, she took Daisy Ellen off hold.

“I don’t know why you would change everything. I just asked you to proofread it!”

“There were grammar mistakes.”

Susan Ellen mouth to me, “Right?”

I nodded.

“But that’s what grammar check on the computer is for!”

Susan Ellen grabbed a piece of notebook paper and frantically scribbled, “What should I say?”

I took a pen and wrote, “Grammar check is not a good tool.”

Susan Ellen said that into the phone.

“Are you saying, Susan Ellen, that you’re smarter than the grammar check that is on a computer? You’re smarter than a computer? Is that what you are telling me?”

I’m sure the first thing Cormac McCarthy did when finished the first draft of The Road was click "spell/grammar check" and then sent it to the publishers.

I wrote down on the paper “Grammar check is not able to catch every mistake.”

Susan Ellen said that into the phone.

“Well, Susan, I’m dating a guy who is really good with computers who can fix that.”

Susan Ellen looked at me, begging me to write down a good comeback. I wrote, “I was only trying to help!”

Susan Ellen said it into the phone.

“Well, you made it so much worse! You totally messed everything up!”

“I don’t understand why you’re being so mean to me, Daisy. I was just fixing it.”

“Well, you didn’t fix it. It’s ridiculous. I don’t understand why you would think you’re smarter than a computer!”

Susan Ellen was looking at me, asking for another comeback.

I had a notebook in front me, jotting down comebacks. They consisted of:

“Daisy Ellen is a cunt.”

“This is hilarious.”

“I want to quit this job.”

“Our product is a scam anyway.”

I mouthed to Susan Ellen, “I don’t have anything.” Susan Ellen mouthed, “Okay.”

Susan Ellen continued her conversation with Daisy Ellen. “So, how are you?” she asked.

Daisy Ellen responded, “Oh I’m great! I made this pomegranate liver tonic today. It was great.”

“Oh, tell me more, girlfriend!” said Susan Ellen.

She curled up on her couch and they gabbed like little girls as if their friendship wasn’t more volatile than a husband who beats his wife.

Chapter 28: The Proposal Part 1

Susan Ellen was working with Daisy Ellen on creating their infomercial for Susan Ellen’s saran-wrap weight loss product.

Let me just say this:

Daisy Ellen is a bona fide bitch. She has a lot of reasons to be:

1.) Her only acting gig is hosting an infomercial.
2.) She’s insecure and unsuccessful.
3.) She lives in Hollywood.
4.) She’s had so much botox she can’t feel her boyfriend’s touch anymore.

I don’t think Daisy Ellen has any control over her life. With not getting a role in a film or movie since 1982, it makes sense. I think her only friend is Susan Ellen because she’s probably the only one dumber than her. Susan Ellen is so dumb that Daisy Ellen cherishes it because there’s finally one person that she is smarter than.

Daisy Ellen wrote up a proposal for the infomercial and asked Susan Ellen to proofread it. Of course she did! Daisy Ellen is so insecure she asks an illiterate woman to proofread something for her!

Since Susan Ellen was busy putting her puppy’s snout into her mouth, she asked me to proofread it.

Now, I’m not going to say that I’m a good proofreader, but I know how to identity run-ons. Like a sentence like this one.

I also know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Additionally, I think I’m positive that most sentences begin with a capital letter.

I tried to remember Daisy Ellen’s wikipedia page to see if she dropped out of kindergarten to pursue her entertainment career. These mistakes were horrible. They wanted to show this proposal to a semi-literate (I hope) Guthy Renker executive? It was so pathetic it was like watching a gymnast with no legs trying to walk on the balance beam. I had to do something.

I suppose my corrections made it look like I ripped the proposal apart. I swear I didn’t. I was making a bunch of random letters into something that makes sense, I swear! Susan Ellen sent the proposal back to Daisy Ellen and moments later Daisy Ellen calls.

I could feel her rage in the ring of the telephone, despite Susan Ellen’s ringtone being “You Lift Me Up” by Josh Groban.