What’s that syndrome that happens when a hostage falls in love with his or her captive? Isn’t it a Susan Sarandon movie? Or am I just dreaming? (Ah, that’s the question I ask most often in my life.)
I suppose during my tenure with Susan Ellen, I began to slightly respect her. Or pity her. Or feel guilty that I thought she had a cocktail of ADD, Downs Syndrome, and pseudo-Conservatism and I ended up being proven wrong by my temp agent.
Does this happen to people when they work for crazy bosses? After a while they start to really respect them?
Whether this is a condition or not, this phenomenon did happen to me.
In the skincare community, there is a trend called “Face Whitening”. Basically, if you care at all about the health of your skin, your face must look as white as possible.
Susan Ellen calls this “White Face” and even wanted to include a eugenics tree in her book. (Remember, the book I was ghost writing for her on how to lose weight and do some other shit?)
Being the entrepreneur, Susan Ellen was calling a bunch of cosmetic manufacturers to look for a scientist to work with to help her develop her own line of “White Face”.
Per usual, Susan Ellen had her phone volume all the way up. She asked her questions to a representative who responded again and again, “I have no idea what you’re talking about ma’am. I don’t think this is the department you are trying to reach.”
As I was working on chapter 37 of her book, “How Cellulite Causes Breast Cancer”, I thought to myself, “Wow! That representative is acting like a dick toward Susan Ellen! He doesn’t know! She’s a genius.”
They ended their conversation and the phone rep said goodbye with the company’s obligatory phrase:
“Thank you for calling the National Association of Architectural Metal Manufacturers. Have a good day.”
That guy is a moron. He doesn’t even know what manufacturing company he works for!
I love you, Susan Ellen!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Chapter 32
“What?”
“Susan Ellen is a genius,” Ted repeated over the phone. He had called to check in to see how I liked working with Susan Ellen.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Just, if you look at the products she’s developing, they are state-of-art.”
Granted, I never looked into the exact products she was making regarding the oils she uses to put on your tummy before you wrap yourself in her saran wrap contraption. I knew she was also developing a line of lotions, oils, and hair products, but I never saw anything about that.
“I don’t know…” I answered.
“Look, I know that Susan Ellen can we a little intense. I know she has a big personality and may not always use her manners. But she is an eccentric woman because she is so talented. She’s a mad genius. She is amazingly popular among the stars. All the celebs go to her. She has so many deals with companies. Becky, my friend, you’re working for a genius. Working for her weight loss company will look really good on your resume in becoming a comedy writer.”
I thought for a moment. What if Susan Ellen was a genius? We all know that the top thinkers, artists, and leaders have some strange attribute to their personality. Maybe Susan Ellen is so horrible because she has so much talent. She’s an idiot savant. Maybe if I continue working for her, I’ll end up seeing the savant part!
“Susan Ellen is a genius,” Ted repeated over the phone. He had called to check in to see how I liked working with Susan Ellen.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Just, if you look at the products she’s developing, they are state-of-art.”
Granted, I never looked into the exact products she was making regarding the oils she uses to put on your tummy before you wrap yourself in her saran wrap contraption. I knew she was also developing a line of lotions, oils, and hair products, but I never saw anything about that.
“I don’t know…” I answered.
“Look, I know that Susan Ellen can we a little intense. I know she has a big personality and may not always use her manners. But she is an eccentric woman because she is so talented. She’s a mad genius. She is amazingly popular among the stars. All the celebs go to her. She has so many deals with companies. Becky, my friend, you’re working for a genius. Working for her weight loss company will look really good on your resume in becoming a comedy writer.”
I thought for a moment. What if Susan Ellen was a genius? We all know that the top thinkers, artists, and leaders have some strange attribute to their personality. Maybe Susan Ellen is so horrible because she has so much talent. She’s an idiot savant. Maybe if I continue working for her, I’ll end up seeing the savant part!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Chapter 31: Genius Bar
After dishing with my friends all of my Susan Ellen stories a lot of them questioned me as to why I didn’t quit at that point.
There are a few reasons why. First and foremost, I was a new L.A. transplant so I was still getting my bearings. (I know I still use that excuse when it comes to laundry but we all have our flaws, right?) Secondly, I am young. I don’t know a lot about life or how to stand up for myself or have the basic gist about employees’ rights. In my college internship program, they stressed the importance of adapting to your boss and developing techniques to deal with demanding jobs and big personalities. Basically, I’m programmed to just deal with it. I don’t realize I’m in a shitty situation until it’s too late. There have been so many times in my life when I should have had metaphorical abortions but I ended up waiting until it was too late and raising metaphorical cleft palate babies. Take for example, my previous boss.
Quickbooks?! He wanted me to learn QuickBooks? Are you fucking kidding me?
Thirdly, I chose not to quit my servitude after a call a received from Ted.
It was a Friday and I didn’t need to go into Susan Ellen’s until 3 because she had to get a chicken pox vaccination and then she was going colon-cleansin’ with Daisy Ellen.
“Becky! It’s Ted. How are you?”
Oh! It was so great to hear his Tim Gunn-esque voice!
He continued, “I just wanted to check in to see how things were going with Susan Ellen?”
By the middle of that question, I was ready to answer:
“Susan Ellen is a borderline retard. She doesn’t need a personal assistant. She needs a registered nurse. She is rude, incoherent, and completely unprofessional! She looks at my emails! She asks me personal questions! She is unclear in her directions! Each day I go into work utterly amazed that she somehow managed to make her pathetic excuse for a business look like a legitimate company for you! You totally screwed me over and sent me to a company because I checked off ‘gets along well with others’ on my application! You assumed ‘Oh! She seems so agreeable and nice. She must be stupid. Let’s send her to this trainwreck of a company so we can just fill the spot already’. Well, guess what, Ted, as much as I want to go to Beauty Bar with you to discuss Zac Efron, it’s no more Miss Nice Girl. I’m going to be aggressive and get what I want and if you dare put me in another position that resembles this job I have now, I will seriously consider killing you. Seriously. Seriously, I will weigh the pros and cons of committing murder and taking your life. Seriously.”
But, the only words I could get out was “It’s…”
Ted interrupted me with, “Isn’t Susan Ellen a genius?”
There are a few reasons why. First and foremost, I was a new L.A. transplant so I was still getting my bearings. (I know I still use that excuse when it comes to laundry but we all have our flaws, right?) Secondly, I am young. I don’t know a lot about life or how to stand up for myself or have the basic gist about employees’ rights. In my college internship program, they stressed the importance of adapting to your boss and developing techniques to deal with demanding jobs and big personalities. Basically, I’m programmed to just deal with it. I don’t realize I’m in a shitty situation until it’s too late. There have been so many times in my life when I should have had metaphorical abortions but I ended up waiting until it was too late and raising metaphorical cleft palate babies. Take for example, my previous boss.
Quickbooks?! He wanted me to learn QuickBooks? Are you fucking kidding me?
Thirdly, I chose not to quit my servitude after a call a received from Ted.
It was a Friday and I didn’t need to go into Susan Ellen’s until 3 because she had to get a chicken pox vaccination and then she was going colon-cleansin’ with Daisy Ellen.
“Becky! It’s Ted. How are you?”
Oh! It was so great to hear his Tim Gunn-esque voice!
He continued, “I just wanted to check in to see how things were going with Susan Ellen?”
By the middle of that question, I was ready to answer:
“Susan Ellen is a borderline retard. She doesn’t need a personal assistant. She needs a registered nurse. She is rude, incoherent, and completely unprofessional! She looks at my emails! She asks me personal questions! She is unclear in her directions! Each day I go into work utterly amazed that she somehow managed to make her pathetic excuse for a business look like a legitimate company for you! You totally screwed me over and sent me to a company because I checked off ‘gets along well with others’ on my application! You assumed ‘Oh! She seems so agreeable and nice. She must be stupid. Let’s send her to this trainwreck of a company so we can just fill the spot already’. Well, guess what, Ted, as much as I want to go to Beauty Bar with you to discuss Zac Efron, it’s no more Miss Nice Girl. I’m going to be aggressive and get what I want and if you dare put me in another position that resembles this job I have now, I will seriously consider killing you. Seriously. Seriously, I will weigh the pros and cons of committing murder and taking your life. Seriously.”
But, the only words I could get out was “It’s…”
Ted interrupted me with, “Isn’t Susan Ellen a genius?”
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