My new temp agent.
He was a man who had the looks of William H. Macy and the voice of Tim Gunn. He was once a top agent for film directors and for some reason he got demoted to being a temp agent for bums who just like watching films. Due to his work with high profile people, he will be known as Ted.
I could write loads about Ted's personality, but I think you'll be able to figure it out yourself as I now provide for you a transcription of what when down in this interview. The italics include the thoughts that went through my head that were never spoken.
TED: Well, you seem to be a good typist, know a lot of important software. Oh! I see you went to Emerson.
TED: We like Emersonians out here.
I never know what to say when people say that. Especially because I hate most Emersonians.
TED: So, tell me, Rebecca, what aspect of the entertainment industry do you see yourself working in?
ME: Well, I'm not sure, but something creative.
TED: What are your career goals?
ME: Well, right now I'm really interested in comedy. I think I want to be a comedy writer.
TED: You're not saying the magic words, Rebecca.
ME: Wha- I mean, excuse me?
TED: You're not saying the thing that you want to do in order to help your career.
Is he asking me to blow him?
ME: Okay… what should I be saying?
TED: That you want to work in an agency.
ME: Oh, I don't want to work in an agency. That I know.
TED: Yes, you do.
TED: Working in an agency is the best way to learn the inner-workings of the entertainment industry.
So is selling coke in the champagne room…
ME: Yeah, but I don't want to be an agent. It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that agencies really like to hire people who want to become agents.
TED: But you want to be an agent…
ME: No. I don't.
TED: You're open to being an agent...
ME: No. I want to be a comedy writer.
TED: Okay, okay. But what if you reach a point where you no longer want to be a comedy writer?
ME: I never really thought about it.
TED: So, you never really thought about NOT not being an agent.
ME: What? I guess so.
TED: Okay, great. I'm just going to jot down here that you're interested in being an agent.
ME: I’m not sure-
TED: Do you know how much power you would have working at an agency? Let's say you read a script that you need to do coverage on. And Brad Pitt's agent calls and says, "Rebecca! My client Brad Pitt needs a project, stat!" And you had just read a script that Brad would be great in! Brad's people read it. Brad accepts. Suddenly, people come to you saying, "Hey- hey Rebecca! Get Brad on the line we need to discuss something with him" or "Rebecca! We need you to make some phone calls to the producers!" And the producers hear your voice. They see that you are a great typist and from Emerson and they remember you. Not only that, but you're basically responsible for this movie getting made, being a big hit, and giving Brad Pitt 20 million dollars.
I want to rape whatever temp read the script to Troy.
ME: Does Brad Pitt even need 20 million dollars at this point?
TED: Well, that talk sounds like you definitely want to be an agent.
Oh my God. He wasn't joking.
TED: Rebecca, can I ask you a question?
TED: Do you think snipers just wake up one day and have all the skills that they need?
ME: What? I have no idea.
TED: Snipers need experience before they decide to work at becoming a talented and successful sniper.
ME: Uh… okay.
TED: So, if you really want to be a comedy writer you should work in an agency and then decide that you no longer want to be a comedy writer and you want to become an agent. It's the only way to break into the business.
ME: But, I don't want to be an agent. I want an agent.
TED: Rebecca! You're a feisty one. I like you. As the guy says in Mean Streets, "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
ME: I don’t think that's-
TED: Nah, I heard enough from you. I'll put you down on the list and call you as soon as something opens up. Thanks, Rebecca!
I stood up and noticed he had an Annie Hall poster hanging in his office. I looked at Alvy.
You couldn't help me out here?