Here is something I love about middle-aged women from the East Coast who claim they are spiritual:
The will receive a piece of jewelry, a poster, trinket, or decorative item that symbolizes their spiritual beliefs and they don’t know that these said items are from the 99 Cent Store.
These women will light these candles, adorn themselves with these trinkets, or pray to these jewels that are all bought from the same store that sells shedding brillo pads, non-adhesive scotch tape, and dew rags.
Susan Ellen showed me a plastic genie lamp that a friend got her.
“He’s been to Saudi Arabia so many times so he knows his lamps.”
Underneath the lamp, the price sticker was still on it: 2-for-1 $1.00.
“Sometimes I like to take it and rub it like Aladdin. It’s like this spiritual thing I like to do to help my dreams come true,” she explained.
“I know this sounds weird, but you know that I’m more spiritual than religious. I don’t really believe in God, per se, but, honestly, I believe in genies.”
And… you’re welcome.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Chapter 35: Susan Ellen Vs. the Sumo Wrestler
I really like the “Day in Pictures” featured on bbcnews.com. I like using them as my desktop background.
While I was working for Susan Ellen I had this amazing picture of a sumo wrestler as my desktop. When Susan Ellen noticed it, she started dry heaving.
“Ew! That is so gross. He’s so fat!” she exclaimed.
I told her that sumo wrestling is an ancient Japanese art form and I really liked the framing of the photo and the man’s expression. I was not about to say that the only reason the picture was on my desktop was because it was a hilarious picture of a fat man in a diaper.
“Ugh! How could you look at that everyday? I’d want to kill myself,” Susan Ellen said, the next day, after I turned my computer on.
One day, I was showing Susan Ellen how I was dividing up the chapters in the book on my computer. I had a small window up on my computer.
“Can I fix something on your computer?” she asked. I was a bit taken aback. I thought Susan Ellen didn’t know anything about computers. However, if I underestimated her genius in dieting and skincare expertise, maybe I underestimated her regarding her computer skills as well.
I got up from the desk and Susan Ellen took control of my computer. She dragged the window in front of the sumo wrestler’s face and enlarged it to cover his entire body.
“I just can’t look at him,” she said, “He’s grossing me out.”
The next day, I saw another photo on “The Day in Pictures” that I ended up using to replace the Sumo Wrestler.
“Now, that’s a beautiful picture,” Susan Ellen remarked. “Way better than that fat man.”
It was a picture of a smoky orange sky caused by wild fires.
Why had I that as my desktop background? I don’t know, but for my sense of pseudo-irony at the time, Susan Ellen was right. It was way better than that fat man.
While I was working for Susan Ellen I had this amazing picture of a sumo wrestler as my desktop. When Susan Ellen noticed it, she started dry heaving.
“Ew! That is so gross. He’s so fat!” she exclaimed.
I told her that sumo wrestling is an ancient Japanese art form and I really liked the framing of the photo and the man’s expression. I was not about to say that the only reason the picture was on my desktop was because it was a hilarious picture of a fat man in a diaper.
“Ugh! How could you look at that everyday? I’d want to kill myself,” Susan Ellen said, the next day, after I turned my computer on.
One day, I was showing Susan Ellen how I was dividing up the chapters in the book on my computer. I had a small window up on my computer.
“Can I fix something on your computer?” she asked. I was a bit taken aback. I thought Susan Ellen didn’t know anything about computers. However, if I underestimated her genius in dieting and skincare expertise, maybe I underestimated her regarding her computer skills as well.
I got up from the desk and Susan Ellen took control of my computer. She dragged the window in front of the sumo wrestler’s face and enlarged it to cover his entire body.
“I just can’t look at him,” she said, “He’s grossing me out.”
The next day, I saw another photo on “The Day in Pictures” that I ended up using to replace the Sumo Wrestler.
“Now, that’s a beautiful picture,” Susan Ellen remarked. “Way better than that fat man.”
It was a picture of a smoky orange sky caused by wild fires.
Why had I that as my desktop background? I don’t know, but for my sense of pseudo-irony at the time, Susan Ellen was right. It was way better than that fat man.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Chapter 34: Susan Ellen’s Guide to Drinking Water
As mentioned earlier, Susan Ellen hired me on to be a ghostwriter for her diet book that also included lifestyle tips like how to include Buddha into your life and relieve dry feet.
One chapter in the book included something along the lines of “Susan Ellen’s 8 Tips for Getting Your 8 glasses of Water a Day” (despite the fact that it’s been proven that the 8 glasses of water a day isn’t necessary to stay healthy.)
Here were some of her tips she asked me to include in the book. If some of these seem exaggerated to you, you’re right. They are exaggerated. This is because I was writing the book; not her. She said I could add in anything I thought would be necessary for the book’s success.
1.) Have a drinking race! See how fast you can drink a bottle of water and try to beat your record each time to play the game. Every time you beat your previous time, reward yourself with a bottle of water.
2.) Listen to music while you sip water and take a sip at every beat. Don’t worry if you choke; at least you will be on beat!
3.) Drink three glasses of water every time you cry to replenish the water you lost through your tears. This is especially good for people who lost a loved one in a freak accident.
4.) Next time you go to the Olive Garden for the Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks menu, replace the soup with a bowl of water. Once you get really advanced, you can replace the salad and breadsticks with a bowl of water, as well.
5.) If you live in LA, drink a gallon of water everyday it doesn’t rain. If you don’t live in LA, drink a gallon of water everyday.
6.) At parties, drink water instead of liquor and act drunk.
7.) Become an Aquarius.
8.) Take up smoking and then start quitting. Every time you get a cigarette craving, drink a glass of water. If you already smoke, you’re halfway there to a healthier new you!
One chapter in the book included something along the lines of “Susan Ellen’s 8 Tips for Getting Your 8 glasses of Water a Day” (despite the fact that it’s been proven that the 8 glasses of water a day isn’t necessary to stay healthy.)
Here were some of her tips she asked me to include in the book. If some of these seem exaggerated to you, you’re right. They are exaggerated. This is because I was writing the book; not her. She said I could add in anything I thought would be necessary for the book’s success.
1.) Have a drinking race! See how fast you can drink a bottle of water and try to beat your record each time to play the game. Every time you beat your previous time, reward yourself with a bottle of water.
2.) Listen to music while you sip water and take a sip at every beat. Don’t worry if you choke; at least you will be on beat!
3.) Drink three glasses of water every time you cry to replenish the water you lost through your tears. This is especially good for people who lost a loved one in a freak accident.
4.) Next time you go to the Olive Garden for the Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks menu, replace the soup with a bowl of water. Once you get really advanced, you can replace the salad and breadsticks with a bowl of water, as well.
5.) If you live in LA, drink a gallon of water everyday it doesn’t rain. If you don’t live in LA, drink a gallon of water everyday.
6.) At parties, drink water instead of liquor and act drunk.
7.) Become an Aquarius.
8.) Take up smoking and then start quitting. Every time you get a cigarette craving, drink a glass of water. If you already smoke, you’re halfway there to a healthier new you!
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