Daisy Ellen was at it again. She and Susan Ellen were still applying for a loan for their saran wrap product and they were still working on that fucking business proposal.
On the phone, I overheard Daisy Ellen say, “We’re going to get this, Susan Ellen. We’re women starting a business. And that’s not an everyday thing. You’re a minority doing all of this and we need to use that to get people on our side.”
Susan Ellen hung up. She looked to me, “What’s a minority?”
I did a breath out/laugh sort of thing and asked, “What?”
“What’s a minority?”
“You don’t… you don’t know what a minority is?”
“No,” she said matter-of-factly.
How do you describe to someone what a minority is? It’s like describing to someone what a fruit or a Jew is or something. It’s just something you know.
I told her, “It’s just someone who’s not in the majority.”
She shrugged.
I looked over to her desk and saw three tiny bottles of rosemary oil and one tiny bottle of lavender oil.
“Okay, so here you have four bottles of oil. Three of them are rosemary and one of them is lavender. The lavender bottle would be a minority because there’s less of it.”
“Oh, well I have more lavender right here,” Susan Ellen said as she opened her desk drawer. She pulled out three more bottles of lavender oil and gave them to me. “What do you need lavender for? If it’s for those pimples on your chin I would definitely recommend sulfur-soap opposed to lavender oil.”
“Never mind,” I said as I did a google search to find where I could buy some sulfur-soap.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Chapter 36: I Believe in Genies
Here is something I love about middle-aged women from the East Coast who claim they are spiritual:
The will receive a piece of jewelry, a poster, trinket, or decorative item that symbolizes their spiritual beliefs and they don’t know that these said items are from the 99 Cent Store.
These women will light these candles, adorn themselves with these trinkets, or pray to these jewels that are all bought from the same store that sells shedding brillo pads, non-adhesive scotch tape, and dew rags.
Susan Ellen showed me a plastic genie lamp that a friend got her.
“He’s been to Saudi Arabia so many times so he knows his lamps.”
Underneath the lamp, the price sticker was still on it: 2-for-1 $1.00.
“Sometimes I like to take it and rub it like Aladdin. It’s like this spiritual thing I like to do to help my dreams come true,” she explained.
“I know this sounds weird, but you know that I’m more spiritual than religious. I don’t really believe in God, per se, but, honestly, I believe in genies.”
And… you’re welcome.
The will receive a piece of jewelry, a poster, trinket, or decorative item that symbolizes their spiritual beliefs and they don’t know that these said items are from the 99 Cent Store.
These women will light these candles, adorn themselves with these trinkets, or pray to these jewels that are all bought from the same store that sells shedding brillo pads, non-adhesive scotch tape, and dew rags.
Susan Ellen showed me a plastic genie lamp that a friend got her.
“He’s been to Saudi Arabia so many times so he knows his lamps.”
Underneath the lamp, the price sticker was still on it: 2-for-1 $1.00.
“Sometimes I like to take it and rub it like Aladdin. It’s like this spiritual thing I like to do to help my dreams come true,” she explained.
“I know this sounds weird, but you know that I’m more spiritual than religious. I don’t really believe in God, per se, but, honestly, I believe in genies.”
And… you’re welcome.
Chapter 35: Susan Ellen Vs. the Sumo Wrestler
I really like the “Day in Pictures” featured on bbcnews.com. I like using them as my desktop background.
While I was working for Susan Ellen I had this amazing picture of a sumo wrestler as my desktop. When Susan Ellen noticed it, she started dry heaving.
“Ew! That is so gross. He’s so fat!” she exclaimed.
I told her that sumo wrestling is an ancient Japanese art form and I really liked the framing of the photo and the man’s expression. I was not about to say that the only reason the picture was on my desktop was because it was a hilarious picture of a fat man in a diaper.
“Ugh! How could you look at that everyday? I’d want to kill myself,” Susan Ellen said, the next day, after I turned my computer on.
One day, I was showing Susan Ellen how I was dividing up the chapters in the book on my computer. I had a small window up on my computer.
“Can I fix something on your computer?” she asked. I was a bit taken aback. I thought Susan Ellen didn’t know anything about computers. However, if I underestimated her genius in dieting and skincare expertise, maybe I underestimated her regarding her computer skills as well.
I got up from the desk and Susan Ellen took control of my computer. She dragged the window in front of the sumo wrestler’s face and enlarged it to cover his entire body.
“I just can’t look at him,” she said, “He’s grossing me out.”
The next day, I saw another photo on “The Day in Pictures” that I ended up using to replace the Sumo Wrestler.
“Now, that’s a beautiful picture,” Susan Ellen remarked. “Way better than that fat man.”
It was a picture of a smoky orange sky caused by wild fires.
Why had I that as my desktop background? I don’t know, but for my sense of pseudo-irony at the time, Susan Ellen was right. It was way better than that fat man.
While I was working for Susan Ellen I had this amazing picture of a sumo wrestler as my desktop. When Susan Ellen noticed it, she started dry heaving.
“Ew! That is so gross. He’s so fat!” she exclaimed.
I told her that sumo wrestling is an ancient Japanese art form and I really liked the framing of the photo and the man’s expression. I was not about to say that the only reason the picture was on my desktop was because it was a hilarious picture of a fat man in a diaper.
“Ugh! How could you look at that everyday? I’d want to kill myself,” Susan Ellen said, the next day, after I turned my computer on.
One day, I was showing Susan Ellen how I was dividing up the chapters in the book on my computer. I had a small window up on my computer.
“Can I fix something on your computer?” she asked. I was a bit taken aback. I thought Susan Ellen didn’t know anything about computers. However, if I underestimated her genius in dieting and skincare expertise, maybe I underestimated her regarding her computer skills as well.
I got up from the desk and Susan Ellen took control of my computer. She dragged the window in front of the sumo wrestler’s face and enlarged it to cover his entire body.
“I just can’t look at him,” she said, “He’s grossing me out.”
The next day, I saw another photo on “The Day in Pictures” that I ended up using to replace the Sumo Wrestler.
“Now, that’s a beautiful picture,” Susan Ellen remarked. “Way better than that fat man.”
It was a picture of a smoky orange sky caused by wild fires.
Why had I that as my desktop background? I don’t know, but for my sense of pseudo-irony at the time, Susan Ellen was right. It was way better than that fat man.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Chapter 34: Susan Ellen’s Guide to Drinking Water
As mentioned earlier, Susan Ellen hired me on to be a ghostwriter for her diet book that also included lifestyle tips like how to include Buddha into your life and relieve dry feet.
One chapter in the book included something along the lines of “Susan Ellen’s 8 Tips for Getting Your 8 glasses of Water a Day” (despite the fact that it’s been proven that the 8 glasses of water a day isn’t necessary to stay healthy.)
Here were some of her tips she asked me to include in the book. If some of these seem exaggerated to you, you’re right. They are exaggerated. This is because I was writing the book; not her. She said I could add in anything I thought would be necessary for the book’s success.
1.) Have a drinking race! See how fast you can drink a bottle of water and try to beat your record each time to play the game. Every time you beat your previous time, reward yourself with a bottle of water.
2.) Listen to music while you sip water and take a sip at every beat. Don’t worry if you choke; at least you will be on beat!
3.) Drink three glasses of water every time you cry to replenish the water you lost through your tears. This is especially good for people who lost a loved one in a freak accident.
4.) Next time you go to the Olive Garden for the Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks menu, replace the soup with a bowl of water. Once you get really advanced, you can replace the salad and breadsticks with a bowl of water, as well.
5.) If you live in LA, drink a gallon of water everyday it doesn’t rain. If you don’t live in LA, drink a gallon of water everyday.
6.) At parties, drink water instead of liquor and act drunk.
7.) Become an Aquarius.
8.) Take up smoking and then start quitting. Every time you get a cigarette craving, drink a glass of water. If you already smoke, you’re halfway there to a healthier new you!
One chapter in the book included something along the lines of “Susan Ellen’s 8 Tips for Getting Your 8 glasses of Water a Day” (despite the fact that it’s been proven that the 8 glasses of water a day isn’t necessary to stay healthy.)
Here were some of her tips she asked me to include in the book. If some of these seem exaggerated to you, you’re right. They are exaggerated. This is because I was writing the book; not her. She said I could add in anything I thought would be necessary for the book’s success.
1.) Have a drinking race! See how fast you can drink a bottle of water and try to beat your record each time to play the game. Every time you beat your previous time, reward yourself with a bottle of water.
2.) Listen to music while you sip water and take a sip at every beat. Don’t worry if you choke; at least you will be on beat!
3.) Drink three glasses of water every time you cry to replenish the water you lost through your tears. This is especially good for people who lost a loved one in a freak accident.
4.) Next time you go to the Olive Garden for the Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks menu, replace the soup with a bowl of water. Once you get really advanced, you can replace the salad and breadsticks with a bowl of water, as well.
5.) If you live in LA, drink a gallon of water everyday it doesn’t rain. If you don’t live in LA, drink a gallon of water everyday.
6.) At parties, drink water instead of liquor and act drunk.
7.) Become an Aquarius.
8.) Take up smoking and then start quitting. Every time you get a cigarette craving, drink a glass of water. If you already smoke, you’re halfway there to a healthier new you!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Chapter 33: Newfound Respect and White Face
What’s that syndrome that happens when a hostage falls in love with his or her captive? Isn’t it a Susan Sarandon movie? Or am I just dreaming? (Ah, that’s the question I ask most often in my life.)
I suppose during my tenure with Susan Ellen, I began to slightly respect her. Or pity her. Or feel guilty that I thought she had a cocktail of ADD, Downs Syndrome, and pseudo-Conservatism and I ended up being proven wrong by my temp agent.
Does this happen to people when they work for crazy bosses? After a while they start to really respect them?
Whether this is a condition or not, this phenomenon did happen to me.
In the skincare community, there is a trend called “Face Whitening”. Basically, if you care at all about the health of your skin, your face must look as white as possible.
Susan Ellen calls this “White Face” and even wanted to include a eugenics tree in her book. (Remember, the book I was ghost writing for her on how to lose weight and do some other shit?)
Being the entrepreneur, Susan Ellen was calling a bunch of cosmetic manufacturers to look for a scientist to work with to help her develop her own line of “White Face”.
Per usual, Susan Ellen had her phone volume all the way up. She asked her questions to a representative who responded again and again, “I have no idea what you’re talking about ma’am. I don’t think this is the department you are trying to reach.”
As I was working on chapter 37 of her book, “How Cellulite Causes Breast Cancer”, I thought to myself, “Wow! That representative is acting like a dick toward Susan Ellen! He doesn’t know! She’s a genius.”
They ended their conversation and the phone rep said goodbye with the company’s obligatory phrase:
“Thank you for calling the National Association of Architectural Metal Manufacturers. Have a good day.”
That guy is a moron. He doesn’t even know what manufacturing company he works for!
I love you, Susan Ellen!
I suppose during my tenure with Susan Ellen, I began to slightly respect her. Or pity her. Or feel guilty that I thought she had a cocktail of ADD, Downs Syndrome, and pseudo-Conservatism and I ended up being proven wrong by my temp agent.
Does this happen to people when they work for crazy bosses? After a while they start to really respect them?
Whether this is a condition or not, this phenomenon did happen to me.
In the skincare community, there is a trend called “Face Whitening”. Basically, if you care at all about the health of your skin, your face must look as white as possible.
Susan Ellen calls this “White Face” and even wanted to include a eugenics tree in her book. (Remember, the book I was ghost writing for her on how to lose weight and do some other shit?)
Being the entrepreneur, Susan Ellen was calling a bunch of cosmetic manufacturers to look for a scientist to work with to help her develop her own line of “White Face”.
Per usual, Susan Ellen had her phone volume all the way up. She asked her questions to a representative who responded again and again, “I have no idea what you’re talking about ma’am. I don’t think this is the department you are trying to reach.”
As I was working on chapter 37 of her book, “How Cellulite Causes Breast Cancer”, I thought to myself, “Wow! That representative is acting like a dick toward Susan Ellen! He doesn’t know! She’s a genius.”
They ended their conversation and the phone rep said goodbye with the company’s obligatory phrase:
“Thank you for calling the National Association of Architectural Metal Manufacturers. Have a good day.”
That guy is a moron. He doesn’t even know what manufacturing company he works for!
I love you, Susan Ellen!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Chapter 32
“What?”
“Susan Ellen is a genius,” Ted repeated over the phone. He had called to check in to see how I liked working with Susan Ellen.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Just, if you look at the products she’s developing, they are state-of-art.”
Granted, I never looked into the exact products she was making regarding the oils she uses to put on your tummy before you wrap yourself in her saran wrap contraption. I knew she was also developing a line of lotions, oils, and hair products, but I never saw anything about that.
“I don’t know…” I answered.
“Look, I know that Susan Ellen can we a little intense. I know she has a big personality and may not always use her manners. But she is an eccentric woman because she is so talented. She’s a mad genius. She is amazingly popular among the stars. All the celebs go to her. She has so many deals with companies. Becky, my friend, you’re working for a genius. Working for her weight loss company will look really good on your resume in becoming a comedy writer.”
I thought for a moment. What if Susan Ellen was a genius? We all know that the top thinkers, artists, and leaders have some strange attribute to their personality. Maybe Susan Ellen is so horrible because she has so much talent. She’s an idiot savant. Maybe if I continue working for her, I’ll end up seeing the savant part!
“Susan Ellen is a genius,” Ted repeated over the phone. He had called to check in to see how I liked working with Susan Ellen.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Just, if you look at the products she’s developing, they are state-of-art.”
Granted, I never looked into the exact products she was making regarding the oils she uses to put on your tummy before you wrap yourself in her saran wrap contraption. I knew she was also developing a line of lotions, oils, and hair products, but I never saw anything about that.
“I don’t know…” I answered.
“Look, I know that Susan Ellen can we a little intense. I know she has a big personality and may not always use her manners. But she is an eccentric woman because she is so talented. She’s a mad genius. She is amazingly popular among the stars. All the celebs go to her. She has so many deals with companies. Becky, my friend, you’re working for a genius. Working for her weight loss company will look really good on your resume in becoming a comedy writer.”
I thought for a moment. What if Susan Ellen was a genius? We all know that the top thinkers, artists, and leaders have some strange attribute to their personality. Maybe Susan Ellen is so horrible because she has so much talent. She’s an idiot savant. Maybe if I continue working for her, I’ll end up seeing the savant part!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Chapter 31: Genius Bar
After dishing with my friends all of my Susan Ellen stories a lot of them questioned me as to why I didn’t quit at that point.
There are a few reasons why. First and foremost, I was a new L.A. transplant so I was still getting my bearings. (I know I still use that excuse when it comes to laundry but we all have our flaws, right?) Secondly, I am young. I don’t know a lot about life or how to stand up for myself or have the basic gist about employees’ rights. In my college internship program, they stressed the importance of adapting to your boss and developing techniques to deal with demanding jobs and big personalities. Basically, I’m programmed to just deal with it. I don’t realize I’m in a shitty situation until it’s too late. There have been so many times in my life when I should have had metaphorical abortions but I ended up waiting until it was too late and raising metaphorical cleft palate babies. Take for example, my previous boss.
Quickbooks?! He wanted me to learn QuickBooks? Are you fucking kidding me?
Thirdly, I chose not to quit my servitude after a call a received from Ted.
It was a Friday and I didn’t need to go into Susan Ellen’s until 3 because she had to get a chicken pox vaccination and then she was going colon-cleansin’ with Daisy Ellen.
“Becky! It’s Ted. How are you?”
Oh! It was so great to hear his Tim Gunn-esque voice!
He continued, “I just wanted to check in to see how things were going with Susan Ellen?”
By the middle of that question, I was ready to answer:
“Susan Ellen is a borderline retard. She doesn’t need a personal assistant. She needs a registered nurse. She is rude, incoherent, and completely unprofessional! She looks at my emails! She asks me personal questions! She is unclear in her directions! Each day I go into work utterly amazed that she somehow managed to make her pathetic excuse for a business look like a legitimate company for you! You totally screwed me over and sent me to a company because I checked off ‘gets along well with others’ on my application! You assumed ‘Oh! She seems so agreeable and nice. She must be stupid. Let’s send her to this trainwreck of a company so we can just fill the spot already’. Well, guess what, Ted, as much as I want to go to Beauty Bar with you to discuss Zac Efron, it’s no more Miss Nice Girl. I’m going to be aggressive and get what I want and if you dare put me in another position that resembles this job I have now, I will seriously consider killing you. Seriously. Seriously, I will weigh the pros and cons of committing murder and taking your life. Seriously.”
But, the only words I could get out was “It’s…”
Ted interrupted me with, “Isn’t Susan Ellen a genius?”
There are a few reasons why. First and foremost, I was a new L.A. transplant so I was still getting my bearings. (I know I still use that excuse when it comes to laundry but we all have our flaws, right?) Secondly, I am young. I don’t know a lot about life or how to stand up for myself or have the basic gist about employees’ rights. In my college internship program, they stressed the importance of adapting to your boss and developing techniques to deal with demanding jobs and big personalities. Basically, I’m programmed to just deal with it. I don’t realize I’m in a shitty situation until it’s too late. There have been so many times in my life when I should have had metaphorical abortions but I ended up waiting until it was too late and raising metaphorical cleft palate babies. Take for example, my previous boss.
Quickbooks?! He wanted me to learn QuickBooks? Are you fucking kidding me?
Thirdly, I chose not to quit my servitude after a call a received from Ted.
It was a Friday and I didn’t need to go into Susan Ellen’s until 3 because she had to get a chicken pox vaccination and then she was going colon-cleansin’ with Daisy Ellen.
“Becky! It’s Ted. How are you?”
Oh! It was so great to hear his Tim Gunn-esque voice!
He continued, “I just wanted to check in to see how things were going with Susan Ellen?”
By the middle of that question, I was ready to answer:
“Susan Ellen is a borderline retard. She doesn’t need a personal assistant. She needs a registered nurse. She is rude, incoherent, and completely unprofessional! She looks at my emails! She asks me personal questions! She is unclear in her directions! Each day I go into work utterly amazed that she somehow managed to make her pathetic excuse for a business look like a legitimate company for you! You totally screwed me over and sent me to a company because I checked off ‘gets along well with others’ on my application! You assumed ‘Oh! She seems so agreeable and nice. She must be stupid. Let’s send her to this trainwreck of a company so we can just fill the spot already’. Well, guess what, Ted, as much as I want to go to Beauty Bar with you to discuss Zac Efron, it’s no more Miss Nice Girl. I’m going to be aggressive and get what I want and if you dare put me in another position that resembles this job I have now, I will seriously consider killing you. Seriously. Seriously, I will weigh the pros and cons of committing murder and taking your life. Seriously.”
But, the only words I could get out was “It’s…”
Ted interrupted me with, “Isn’t Susan Ellen a genius?”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
